Have the demands of raising children intensified over recent decades?
A report released by the Pew Research Center in 2023 reveals that most parents find parenting harder than they expected (Parenting in America Today, Pew Research Center). Other research confirms this trend as well (The Relentlessness of Modern Parenting, New York Times, 2018).
A lot of us are feeling this way.
The challenges of raising kids have always been great, but parents today do in fact experience a new level of intensity. For one, parents are busier. Many are squeezed between career, family life, and a ton of other modern-day demands, whether it’s trying to fit in a work out or meeting the rigorous demands of taking care of aging parents.
Secondly, parents have raised their expectations for what they feel they need to be doing in order to raise their children well. Music lessons, club sports teams, tutoring, homework assistance, dance and art classes and more, are a high priority for parents now. As college becomes a bigger determinant in sustaining a middle class lifestyle, parents from all socio-economic backgrounds feel greater pressure to provide these types of experiences for their kids to increase their chances for success.
Some parents have pushed back against these trends with more relaxed parenting approaches like the “free-range parenting” style. But most parents continue to experience anxiety about the very real growing economic disparities in the U.S., which spurs them to take greater action to ensure their kids will do well.
Despite busier schedules, parents have found ways to work-around the increased demands in order to remain involved with their kids, especially working Moms and Dads. Their strategies include, for instance, doing less housework (yay!) and more multi-tasking (all hail the shared Google Calendar!). The COVID years were a major exception to these trends, and required parents, especially mothers, to reset their schedules altogether and, for better or worse, their attitudes.
Overall, the new parenting paradigm does create a lot of stress.
But there is good news, too! One positive outcome with these changes is that parents are working harder to maintain strong emotional ties with their children compared to what they experienced with their own parents. Developments in neuroscience as well as attachment research have helped pave the way for this emphasis. Cultivating strong emotional connections with your kids ~ with healthy boundaries ~ is, in fact, super important, and it’s not something that was widely valued or understood in previous generations.
Today’s parents understand that strong, healthy emotional ties are an important piece of supporting their kid’s growth and development for the long haul. Researchers view strong emotional connections with youth as a key “protective factor” in their development (Insights & Evidence: The Intersection of Developmental Relationships, Equitable Environments, and SEL, The Search Institute, 2020). Protective factors include experiences, relationships and positive surroundings, among other things, that help trauma-proof our kids and keep them on healthier trajectories.
Protective factors are vitally important.
Research on Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) ~ which includes family dysfunction and abuse as well as unsafe neighborhoods, low performing schools and lack of positive recreational activities ~ lead to much harsher outcomes for kids. Kids experiencing ACEs have bigger holes to climb out of as adults to achieve well-being.
So protective factors correlate with socio-economic standing, meaning that safe neighborhoods, good schools, and positive recreational opportunities are more likely to exist in middle and upper income areas. That’s why it’s important to support opportunities for good education, training and economic stability in lower income communities and also to commit time, money and/or support to make these things happen.
All of this means that there is a lot at stake in getting it right with our kids, or at least in doing better, when it comes to relating with them. Your healthy relationship with your child is a key protective factor that will help keep them off drugs, do better in school, and be more socially engaged, among other benefits.
The challenge for parents is that nobody really teaches us how to do this stuff.
Some of us just kind of pick it up over time. Some parents had better modelling with their own parents. Some have way more to overcome from their own ACEs. Most of us need some training and support at some point along the way when raising kids.
Over the next 10 weeks, I’ll be providing some guidelines for doing better. Each week will focus on a new social emotional capacity or strategy to help you to strengthen your emotional connection with your kids. I hope this series will help you to navigate the new parenting intensities with more tools in your toolbox, and I am always here to help or answer questions.
Stay tuned!
Explore More
Tuesdays@Noon, Upcoming Drop-In Parenting Chat Group (ongoing brief support) – https://www.mapwisdom.com/service-page/weekly-tuesday-noon-drop-in-parents-chat?referral=service_list_widget
Thursdays@Noon, Upcoming Drop-In Couples Chat Group (ongoing brief support) - https://www.mapwisdom.com/service-page/weekly-thursday-noon-drop-in-couple-chat?referral=service_list_widget
Tuesday, July 16th, 7:00 p.m. ET, Parenting EQ Workshop (1 hour; up your parenting game) - https://www.mapwisdom.com/service-page/1-hour-positive-discipline-parent-intro?referral=service_list_widget
Thursday, July 18th, 7:00 p.m; ET, Couple EQ Workshop (1 hour; build a better partnership starting now) - https://www.mapwisdom.com/service-page/1-hour-intro-to-couples-work?referral=service_list_widget
Further Learning
Parenting In America Today, Pew Research Center, January 24, 2023 - https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2023/01/24/parenting-in-america-today/
The Relentlessness of Modern Parenting, The New York Times, December 25, 2018 - https://www.nytimes.com/2018/12/25/upshot/the-relentlessness-of-modern-parenting.html
Changing Rhythms of American Life, Russel Sage Foundation, August 2006 - https://www.russellsage.org/publications/changing-rhythms-american-family-life-1
Insights & Evidence: The Intersection of Developmental Relationships, Equitable Environments, and SEL, The Search Institute, 2020) - https://www.search-institute.org/dr-equity-and-sel/
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