Last week’s post examined the stress and silver linings of the modern paradigm of intensive parenting. This week, we will explore a core capacity for how parents can better cope with the intensities. For the next 10 weeks, one new core social-emotional capacity or practice will be introduced each week to help support your family life and partnership. This week’s post focuses on an ancient proscription.
“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom” ~ so said Aristotle, though other Greek philosophers also wrestled with this idea.
What does it really mean to know thyself though, especially in the context of parenting and marriage?
Raising little ones to young adulthood taps into all of our fragility as human beings. Our intense love and protective feelings for our children lay bare our deep vulnerability. The endless labor of childrearing and the taxing physical and emotional demands exhaust our internal resources and unveil the outer limits of our ability to care, not to mention the anxiety created by the financial stressors. By its nature, parenting reveals our weakest selves in our hardest moments.
Does knowing oneself really solve the demands of modern parenting? Let’s examine this question.
All of the experiences we carry within ourselves shape our parenting capacities. Raising kids involves navigating some really tricky territory, including things like:
coming to better understand your triggers when dealing with your children
learning to separate your own desires, goals and needs from those of your child
learning to share decision-making power with your kids over time
noticing when you are checking-out, gaining a better understanding of the reasons for it and learning how to self-soothe or regulate your own emotional well-being
ditto the above regarding potentially neglectful and/or abusive behaviors while recognizing your need to get help
It also involves developing the capacity to see yourself with a birds-eye view and to monitor your reactions and behaviors in the moment. Psychologists call these capacities metacognition - the ability to think about your own thinking - and meta-emotion - the ability to apprehend and process your own feelings. It’s really about creating self-awareness.
In truth, when it comes to parenting knowing thyself is everything.
In the classic parenting book Parenting from the Inside Out, Dan Siegel, M.D., and Mary Hartzell, M.Ed., identify five key abilities that caregivers can cultivate to parent better: mindfulness, lifelong learning, response flexibility, mindsight, and joyful living.
Their book plunges into the inner workings of our brain. It explores where and how memories get constructed and stored, including trauma, which gets deeply embedded in our neural pathways. When we start parenting, these are the pathways, Siegel and Hartzell point out, that inform our own parenting practices. It’s not until we are challenged with caregiving moments that we have the opportunity to better understand how these formative experiences shape and influence our reactions and behaviors with our kids.
Parents who cultivate mindfulness, a lifelong learning mindset, response flexibility, mindsight, and joyful living have a better chance of shifting patterns deeply rooted in their own early, formative experiences to become more of the parent they hoped they would be.
Just as importantly, knowing thyself is imperative to strengthening your marriage or partnership. It’s essential because that whole family project is riding on the strong bonds and respectful relationship you form with your partner.
Attachment research gives us the insight we need to understand our own bonding patterns. The idea of children needing a “secure base” was introduced by John Bowlby in the 1960s. Researchers Mary Ainsworth and Mary Main conducted attachment studies in the ensuing years that resulted in significant findings and continues to feed research to this day. Though there are differing categories, in broad strokes attachment patterns fall into two major ones: secure or insecure. But they can be broken down into more specific patterns: avoidant, ambivalent, and disorganized. There are also other categories floating around in the cultural milieu, for instance, anxious and angry attachment. There are many books that explore this topic.
Suffice it to say, that our own attachment pattern is rooted in how our caregivers attached to us, and it will manifest in our partnership and likely repeat itself with our own children. However, as Siegel and Hartzell point out, one’s formative attachment pattern is not one’s destiny. What makes the difference in breaking poor attachment patterns is making sense of our own ~ meaning examining what happened in your formative years with your caregivers, how those experiences make you feel, and what are the likely reasons for these experiences, among other questions.
When adults meaningfully reflect on their experiences with their own caregivers to assess their unique attachment patterns, they can begin the work of undoing deeply rooted negative experiences, or conversely, affirm and replicate positive ones. If there was neglect, trauma, or other damaging experiences, meaningful reflection is extremely difficult, but breaking the chain of poor inter-generational attachment patterns starts with self-knowledge and awareness.
Emotional work is some of the hardest work people do. That’s why it’s often avoided. It takes courage to sit with one’s own inner experience, especially the painful stuff. For those with insecure attachment, learning how to more securely attach with your partner requires serious emotional work, but it can be done. Psychologists refer to those who achieve it as having acquired earned secure attachment ~ like an investment that paid off.
Working on your partnership is a lot like that ~ it’s an investment you make for secure attachment. For those that experienced secure attachment with their parents, bonding with one’s partner can be easier ~ though it, too, is no guarantee of relationship success. Your self-understanding is the foundation from which the whole marriage and family project is built. The two of you will co-create your life together, your partnership, and your family. Hence, the ancient Greek adage to know thyself is foundational to your ability to parent well and to be contentedly partnered.
Another phrase comes to mind, attributed to Socrates: the unexamined life is not worth living.
If you are in the throws of raising a family with a partner or a co-parent, the truth of the matter is, you really don’t have a choice about whether you’ll live the examined life or not. The demands of family by its nature will force you to, so buckle your seat belt.
Start with yourself, and embark on the lifelong journey of coming to know thyself. Your family will love and appreciate you for it.
Explore More
Tuesdays@Noon, Upcoming Drop-In Parenting Chat Group (ongoing brief support) https://www.mapwisdom.com/service-page/weekly-tuesday-noon-drop-in-parents-chat?referral=service_list_widget
Thursdays@Noon, Upcoming Drop-In Couples Chat Group (ongoing brief support) https://www.mapwisdom.com/service-page/weekly-thursday-noon-drop-in-couple-chat?referral=service_list_widget
Tuesday, July 16th, 7:00 p.m. ET, Parenting EQ Workshop (1 hour; up your parenting game) -https://www.mapwisdom.com/service-page/1-hour-positive-discipline-parent-intro?referral=service_list_widget
Thursday, July 18th, 7:00 p.m; ET, Couple EQ Workshop (1 hour; build a better partnership starting now) - https://www.mapwisdom.com/service-page/1-hour-intro-to-couples-work?referral=service_list_widget
Further Learning
Parenting From the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive (2003) ~ Daniel Siegel, M.D., and Mary Hartzel, M.Ed.
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